the universe has a funny way of telling you "hey dude, you got it all wrong! it's time to redirect and here's a not-so-gentle shove in the right direction."

the past few months have been rather revelatory for me in so many ways. i have discovered a lot about myself and my faults and dreams and aims in this life. life has taken me on a voyage that i never expected to venture through. and fortunately i'm staying afloat. there have been days where that simple didn't seem possible. i was facing, what seemed to me at the time, the ultimate disgrace and challenge. i discovered in myself, or rather re-discovered a keen sensibility to the message that is being conveyed. my faith in many things has fallen short and my commitment to myself and to becoming a better person has grown exponentially.

i could spend hours playing a blame game and citing reason upon reason why the world has done me wrong. but ultimately that will get me nowhere. i have come to learn over the past weeks and months that i truly am the author of my own destiny and karma is a big ole nasty bitch so don't piss her off. i have come to realize that some people do wrong and others do right and neither is exclusive to either party. what i mean by that is that i want to be known as the a person that is good and right and faithful to strong and genuine and caring. i want to be known as a person that is conscientious and contemplative. i want to rediscover that inner reflection and carry myself with an air of spirituality. I want to live each moment and be sure that i am striving forward.

i know that through these experiences that i am still overcoming i have learned so much about the me that i shouldn't be. i won't lie it has been a huge and almost unbearable struggle. there were days on end where the slightest stress threw me into a bought with tears and anxiety like nothing else. i have felt so alone and abandoned through these trials that i have come to realize the great importance of maintaining and actively working to build up healthy and positive relationships with others.

i'm still struggling. i still often go through days where i just don't know what to do. my self esteem and self worth aren't quit in the toilet but they're for sure hanging out on the underside o' the seat.

i feel a distinctive assistance from forces i can't define right now. i feel a definite presence and direction in my life that is absolutely in a positive direction. i hope and pray that i will continue in that positive direction.

i look forward with my minds eye and look to all that i aspire to knowing that soon it will all be a reality for me.

and in my corny fashion here are some words of encouragement that have lifted me up lately:

The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith,

Leia Mais…

Dear Lord I come to thee this night
On bended knee, with broken heart
I pray you’ll hear my humble words
My meek and simple part

Dear Lord I come to thee this night
With heart and eyes toward heaven turned
My soul is wracked, my lesson’s learned

Dear Lord I come to thee this night
Please clear my mind and steal my fright
That all might sleep in peace this night

Dear Lord I come to thee this night
I pray my words will find you there
I send my precious ones to you
With faith, with hope,
With love, with care

The rattle of guns, the cannons blast
The cry of war, a cry so vain
I hope through this my strength will last
That soon I will see home again

I fight this battle day after day
Among these souls who praise my name
Protecting shores so far away
So here I stand, for freedom’s flame
I will stand and right proclaim
I will share this righteous flame
I will protect fair Liberty’s flame
Dear Lord I come to thee this night
Please grant me strength to be the one
To lift men up, to give them light
That soon to them thy peace might come

A simple man is all I am
Yet I know a greater plan
Of bold and brilliant, brazen men
That fought for freedom for their kin

Let me be that man dear Lord
That fought for all that’s good
On Omaha and in Saigon
In Gettysburg and far beyond

They fought with wings of eagles
Soaring from behind
Bringing light, peace and promise
A hope to all mankind

These are souls that rest with thee
But Lord, this night I pray
That they will stand with me

I am but a soldier Lord
Innocent and free
And I will not put down this flame
That thou hast granted me.

Leia Mais…

thought provoking... isn't it?

Leia Mais…

For those of you that follow North Star I have left the group and am just not interested in the drama.

Leia Mais…

i think that i may have mis-communicated something. because my intention and my thought process is so far from calling others out on being judgmental. my intention is rather to bring attention to the feelings of those being reproved or being corrected. if you felt i was judging you for any reason. i'm sorry. it wasn't my intention. i think so often we all get lost in ourselves that we forget what the potential repercussions may be. i want to draw attention to that.

in dealing with human behavior on a daily basis in my profession i am often reminded to "wait and evaluate" before reacting to any situation. in most cases the individual will be able to draw the same conclusion on their own and will be more recpetive to that assessment. there is no harm in waiting before we say something. in that we wait we're given the oppotunity to go over in our mind what the result of our action may be. it is also a good opportunity to get confirmation from the spirit and guidance as to what should be said. and more often than not, it's just not our place to say anything.

i think that especially in the utah valley area and former BYU students have this tendancy to feel "a responsibility to the greater good" to call someone out, or what-have-you and really that principle isn't a part of the gospel. if someone is doing something that will hurt others than we need to bring it to the attention of their priesthood leader or stop that immediate action but it's not always our place to reprimand the individual. and it should never be done in anything more than a spirit of humility. now a priesthood leader or a parent has place to use righteous dominion to reprimand and individual for their actions but that's just not the average member's role.

i would never want to stand in the way of someone's legitimate role to call someone to repentance. i want to encourage people to take time to think and reflect upon what they are about to do and make sure they are doing it in the right spirit and that they are in the best position to have the most impact on that person's life.

for most people the greatest pep talks were silent. most people react to their own recognition of error after being touched by the example of another better than any argument or chatisement or reproach. people in general don't like to be told what to do and fight against that.

i hope my thoughts are more clear and my intent is more clear in this post. i've sat her for an hour reading it over and over again. i believe that there is ALWAYS a proper time and place for reproach and correction we just need to be keenly aware of the impact that we may have and the role that we have in the person's life before we dare to correct their behavior.

i will use one more example... i work in the human services field, with the cognitively disabled. i am a program manager. i have one woman that i work with that is somewhat hard of hearing. she yells at every opportunity she gets and is aggravating to others around her. she takes an active role at the center that I work at and wants to help, but in so donig, because of her yelling, comes off as bossy and overbearing. her peers dislike her greatly. so often the staff that support her would yell down the hall, "gina be quiet!" it comes off very hypocritical. we're yelling to tell another person to be quiet. i was guilty of it too. i would loudy remind her to use her inside voice and she would loudy respond, "i know big guy!!!" we were getting no where with her. one day at lunch she was particularly loud. i decided that i was going to use a completely different tactic. i calmly approached her and sat down next to her. i sat there and said nothing. when others would address me i would whisper. when someone called for my help from accross the room i would get up and walk over to them and have a very quiet discussion with them. then i would come back to her and sit quietly. i began to have conversations with others at the table again whispering. then she looked over at me and whispered, "what are you doing?" AHA! it worked. i didn't have to yell at her to be quiet. i didn't have to reprimand her. i was able to use example as the most powerful source. she still needs reminders and i'm still working on being a better example for her. and it's slowly working. it's not perfect btu it's having an effect. now i just need to get the rest of the folks at the center on board and use the best meathod and the least intrusive meathod to make a HUGE positive impact on her life. this will potentially increase her network of friends and do so much more for her. she has come to respect me and will do just about anything that i ask her to do because i was able to show her that i respected her first.

now applying this experience to this principle... i am her program manger. i am in a position of authority to correct her actions that will affect others in my program. my first instinct was to speak above her and correct her error. i thiought, "i have to fix this." that was ineffective. when i took the time to "wait and evaluate" i better understood her needs, wants and motivation. i was able to realize that i too was in error and needed to correct my own actions before i could ask her to correct her actions. once i was able to adjust my own actions to be an example for her and i didn't even have to reprimand her. she recognized the error and is working on conforming to a more acceptable norm, or in gospel terms, aligning herself to the principles of the gospel. but in reality no matter how hard i push only SHE can make that step.

in my own life i have learned a great deal when others have been able to simply be an example in my life. their subtle call to repentance never fell on deaf ears. however, when my own parents fought with anger and frustration against my actions i fought back with the same anger and frustration and their words and counsel fell on completely deaf ears. i wanted nothing to do with them. now that they have become more receptive and understanding of my situation they have also shown a better example of what they expect of me. my parents for the first time in 15 years are willing to actually discuss my SGA on a spiritual and intellectual level. in the past i was bombarded with quotations from the miracel of forgiveness and scriptures that were shared with such a limited perspective. i understand the intent that my parents had but i also was so stressed out by their lack of desire to even comprehend what i was feeling that it just made it easier to push them away rather than to listen to their counsel and advice. i know it was heartfelt and sincere but it was SO OVERBEARING and i got the feeling that if i didnt comply with their wishes than i was not worthy of their love or their affection. My father pitted my sisters and my mother against me referring to my home as "the den of satan" and calling me a "false prophet" and a "devil in sheep's clothing." at the time i was volunteering actively with special olympics and working in human services. i owned my own company and was helping my family out financially. i was reading and writting more than i had ever done before. i was happy for once. i wasn't suicidal. i was content with the person that i was becoming. i was healthy and successful both physically and financially. but i "wasn't leading a good life." i have always been a good person. and i continue to be a good person and seek to live in accordance to my covenants. and now finally my parents are becoming more receptive to my side of the story. they are finally able and willing to read books that explain what it's like to be SGA and a member. they are going to read fred and marilyn's book, in quiet desperation. after 15 years of this being an issue in my life i'm jsut now getting to that point with my parents.

i share my expreiences and i share my hopes and my beliefs to hopefully have a positive impact on the life of some young man here. i share my beliefs and experiences so that i will not be guilty of what others have done to me. i share the experiences and beliefs so that you too can benefit from my mistakes and those experiences. we live in a new era. we no linger live in a time when force is acceptable. people long to be speical, unique, and understood. as followers of Christ, the man, the son of God that sat with sinners and publicans we can learn so much from his subtle example and live our lives accordingly.

jeff, i hope it's clear now that i'm not telling anyone to NOT call other's out when so prompted and so ordained. i hope only that we will all be wise in our meathods and seek to be more christ-like in ALL our doings with our fellow man.

thanks for listening/reading

Leia Mais…

i'm simply fascinated

Leia Mais…

The seasons me my life... A novel of my faith.

Leia Mais…

1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was ablind from his birth.
2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this aman, or his parents, that he was born blind?
3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the aworks of God should be made bmanifest in him.

John 9:1-3

i hope to all gosh goodness that that is why I am who I am. I pray in my heart each day that in some way in another I will make a difference in this world, that I will impact the life of many through my thoughts, my actions, my deeds, my words, my aspirations. I pray that i will lift others up through my struggles and share with them the lessons that i have learned the hard way that they might find peace through my own sacrifice. i believe that each of us through the power of the atonement has the opportunity in this life to stand with our savior and feel our inadequacies and our insignificance and our imperfections and rise above it all to become powerful beyond measure and to truly take upon us the burdens of this life and make ourselves stronger than anyone has ever thought possible. there is nothing limiting in this life but own perspectives. nothing in our mortal existence will keep us further from our heavenly father than our own doubt and lack of faith in the innate god-given abilities that we have. i believe that we are all truly princes, royalty and men of great worth. i believe that this challenging task that we have agreed to conquer will be with us throughout our mortal existence, NOT as a stumbling block or as a curse but as a means to end. i believe that we stood in our pre-mortal existence with our elder brother and were presented the vision of eternity and in that vision we saw greatness in our lives. we saw the potential and the capacity that we would be blessed with and we saw the great challenge that would be placed before us. each person's vision was unique to them and to their gifts, talents, and circumstances. but the vision that i believe I was allowed to see showed a bright future that stretched beyond mortality and into the eternities. so i cannot limit my vision in the mortal life where the veil of forgetfulness has been dropped or i will not arrive at the great destination that i believe i saw. george elliot said, "it is never too late to be what you might have been." so why would ever choose to limit myself? because i have given up on myself. i was once told, "if you're not happy then you're not doing something right and it's up to you to change your life, remember the aim of our existence is to seek happiness." until i am truly at peace i know that there is always room to improve. when i get down and when i'm lost in my own vision of my self-worth, when i'm bogged down by the immensity of the task before me all i can do is slow down and look at one simply moment at a time. and i have to BECOME the change that i wish to see in the world and in my own life. if i want more positive things in my life I need to be more positive. If I want to be treated with greater respect than I need to treat others with greater respect. If I want to inspire greatness in the lives of others than i need inspire greatness in my own life. if i want to see myself as the man that i long to become than I must dispel the thoughts of misery and inadequacy that i might see in the task that lies before me.

i truly want nothing more than to make a difference during my tiny mortal existence and right now i don't have a huge major plan. i don't have some master scheme and i certainly don't have all the answers. but lately thoughts of inadequacy and uncertainty have filled my mind and i know that that is the effort of the adversary trying to tear me down. i will not allow it. i will not allow unfounded thoughts of suicide and loneliness to betray the knowledge that i have of greatness within me. i have not been faithful to my own potential. i have not been true to my god-given gifts and i owe it to myself and to those whose lives i might one day impact to be true to what i know is a reality. that is why i cannot say that anything in my life is a curse. i do not believe in curses and i do not believe in a vengeful god. i believe in a just, fair, compassionate, perfect god. i believe that he will see me as i truly am and if i will open my mind to see that design then and only then will i succeed in this life and the next.

the task before me is but a test. we have been taught that from our very earliest days in primary and thought this test may seem like an eternity it is not. i know with great certainty that the day will come when i will embrace my savior and all will be as it should be. i will look hi in the eyes and say thank you and praise him and he in turn will lift from me the burdens and the trials of this mortal existence and again make me whole. i have seen the vision of my eternity and i know therein lies an eternal family that i will cling to with all my heart and that i will call blessed. i know that during that great millennial period all will be put to right and the lord will oversea his brothers and sisters as they share his message with all god's children and offer up to them the privilege of eternity in the presence of their father in heaven. i know that i will be blessed to share that existence with my eternal wife and my posterity. i do not doubt this vision and i cannot refute its realness in my mind. this vision of god's eternal plan for me has offered me peace and calm and a redirection of my life. i know that god touches the heart of all those that seek to find him and i am a testament of that.

therefore i look to his greatness and his goodness and i cry not "woe is me" but rather i sing praises to that god that has blessed me with his righteous hand that i will be humble in this life and turn to him. i am not cursed. i am blessed. i am blessed to be so loved and so highly thought of my father in heaven that i can stand among men that would be so challenged that even the most choice among his leaders would stand in awe of our faithfulness and our testimony in the face of our task in this life. what a blessing it is. what a choice opportunity i have in this life to broaden the understanding of others through my example, my words, my deeds, my actions and my testimony.

i hope friends, that this heartfelt testimony will offer hope to you. i pray that you will see your greatness and look at yourselves as choice sons and daughters of our father in heaven. you are so blessed. you are so loved and so gifted. i seek only that you will see yourselves and the amazing individuals that you are. I wish you all the best and hope and pray for your success.

sincerely,

Leia Mais…

i'll be the first to admit that i'm no perfect latter-day saint. i've been through my rebellion and my doubt. i'm not always the most in tune person but when the moment strikes right i do my best to listen for that still small voice. and despite my imperfection and my faults i'm still granted access to the power of that precious member of the god head. it was most profound when i found myself in a bar with some friends. one of those who had come with us wasn't seeming very unsure of himself and the situation. we had gone to see a band and I was looking forward to hearing their music. it was a rather rank location and frankly not the best atmosphere. but i was there for the music. the others were drinking and carrying on and this young man seemed to show more and more signs that he was completely uncomfortable there. we began talking, and oddly enough it became one of the most spiritual experiences in recent years. the music was loud, people were screaming, smoke filled the air and the banter of drunken revellers was distracting to our conversation and even more so to the power of the pirit but somehow it shown through. for some odd reason we both felt trapped in the building and continued our conversation. SSA came up and faith and god and turning from that and how can you balance your faith and your identity and how can you even live and so on and so on... we've all heard that conversation before. but somehow this one was unique. in so many ways i felt as if the spirit were sitting next to me whispering the words that i was to say in order to help this young man on his path. we didn't pay a lick of attention to the band and ended up even talking on the phone for hours that night after we parted ways. i couldn't help but feel that i had been used in the most glorious way by the lord to do his work. i hadn't felt the most worthy or the most spiritual but somehow i was worthy enough to recieve that power on that day and be used and inspired by the power of the spirit to make a difference in a young man's life. we read so much in the book of mormon that spirit of god ceased to strive with them because of their iniquity... but i choose to see the fact that the spirit DOES STRIVE to be with man and to influence him to do good. I feel strongly that the holy ghost does all in his power to point us in the right direction and to truly wrestle with evil on our behalf. I believe that the spirit of god STRIVES with man until he rejects that spirit. that to me has been one of the most amazing revelations of my life. and it was the moment that i KNEW that god's love was unconditional and boundless and that his power was there to lift me up and to build me up despite my faults and my imperfections and that he, through his spirit fought, struggle, yearned, wrestled, battled and bled all that i might turn more fully to him. that spirit will continue to STRIVE with me and urge me to follow the will of the father regardless of my faults or errors. if i seek it and hearken unto it the spirit will be there. that is the moment i KNEW that god loved me.

Leia Mais…

In 2003 I wrote this article that put in motion so many changes in my life. I'd love to share with all of you.

All That I Hold Dear
Nathan Eggleston


Many are familiar with the near fable-like tale of Joan of Arc. She was a mere peasant girl who, through faith called a captured people to freedom. Her certainty in her calling and her faith in God lead to great things for those who placed their confidence upon her shoulders. She took on the armor of men and fought upon great battle fields for her faith and her country. She stood up fiercely for her principles and withstood the temptation to leave her people behind. She was asked to either choose life - shamefully denying her belief, or, to choose death - courageously maintaining her heavenly inspiration. She doubted and struggled but remained true to her convictions even unto her horrible death.

Though we can neither confirm nor deny the validity of young Joan’s tale, we can all agree that it can inspire and encourage us all to stand tall and brave in the face of challenges. Like Joan, we each face exceptional difficulties, we also have the reassurance of a loving God and the power that comes through faith. In our day, our lives are enriched through the blessings of the restored gospel. Trials are not easy to confront. I have confronted a particular opponent that has brought great hardships to my life as well as perspective over the years. I have gained wisdom through shortcomings and power through faith.

My Path

I have been reared in a strong Latter-day Saint home and have felt the blessing of the Lord all through my life. My parents are worthy examples and have taught me the essentials of faith, repentance, baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. They have also taught me the importance of obedience and of living a worthy life. My father still quotes President Ezra Taft Benson, “Obedience is the first law of heaven.” From those very early years, the principles of the gospel have taken hold of my life and became a part of me. I felt a warm confirmation of the veracity of the Gospel and knew “by the power of the Holy Ghost” (Moroni 10:5), that these things were true.

I can also recall a voice of a very different kind that has called me from a darker place. I, much like Joan of Arc, have had my share of time on the battle field and remain there even today. The struggle with my foe however is not as apparent or strategic, but is rather a battle of wills. I live with, what many in the Church call same-sex attraction, a difficult and potentially soul-destroying challenge.

My confusion as to my sexuality has become a cankerous sore whose elimination has consumed me. It is a force that if left unchecked could leave me eternally lost. I have floated through various emotional extremes in this sinking barge. When I found myself in the most profound emotional and spiritual chasm I knew my only hope was in the gospel. The following is an excerpt of a letter that I addressed to a Church authority some time ago:

“I do not know how to portray the pain that I have suffered much of my life. It tears at my heart on a daily basis. I’m so lost, so confused and so alone….
“…I know not why I have been given this challenge nor to what end it shall serve… I do not know where to turn. I try to lean on the ever present arm of the Lord and try to lay hold of the redeeming power of the Atonement but I find myself continually aching, struggling, and fighting what seems to be a loosing battle.
“… I feel so inadequate, so unable and so overcome by the weight of… this enormous burden I feel I must bear. I do not know by what means I can overcome it.
“My greatest desire is fulfill my eternal potential and live a life that would be worthy of the Celestial Kingdom…
“I long for companionship but I know that such a choice would lead to a complete loss of what I hold so dear. I love this Gospel and know it is true… I do not want to leave it… I beg you to plead with the Lord that this burden might be lightened from the shoulders and hearts of all those that carry it…”

This great confusion has reigned throughout much of my adolescence and into my adult years. It has been at the root of horrible and damaging encounters. I have fought mightily against suicidal tendencies, extreme depression, self-mutilation and other destructive patterns. All of which I have tried to hide from those I love. I became closed and withdrawn. When speaking with my parents I avoided the topic of my feelings and problems. Our conversations were superficial; my relationship with others was much the same. I was searching for something that I could not find in the things of the world nor, more particularly in the empty promise of a homosexual lifestyle.

Arise!

Our elder brother invites us all to, “arise and come forth out of the dust” (2 Nephi 1:23). He yearns with us and pleads on our behalf before our Heavenly Father. Though we may not be called to repentance by an angel of the Lord, like Alma the younger, there is a time when the still small voice will whisper inside our heart that call to repentance. He will take us back to that testimony that still dimly burns within. It has been promised that “he will bring to [our] remembrance all those things which [we] have been taught” (Matthew 14:6).

I can vividly call to mind that most significant turning point in my life. I was visiting my grandparents and saw in their home the pictures of our family; my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my parents and my siblings. I remembered how much the gospel had played a roll in our upbringing, how we had prayed together and read our scriptures as a family. It evoked the feeling of love that I have always felt emanating from each of them, a feeling which I had long since grown numb to. I knew that my path was not one that would permit me to be with my loved ones for eternity. I have always envisioned the words of the primary song “Families Can Be Together Forever,” I wanted that song to become a reality. But at that moment I felt as if I were in the company of Laman and Lemuel as they turned away from their father who beckoned to them to partake of the fruit of the tree of life (1 Nephi 8:17,18). The last thing that I would want for my parents and others in my family is to see me by the wayside. My life changed that day.

I began to seek out the tiny simple mysteries of heaven. I sought the counsel of the Lord and found His voice in the words of His prophets and inspired leaders. I felt the warmth of forgiveness, and the burning resilience of a lasting testimony that has been a constant anchor in my life. The road was rough and paved with tears and regrets and that godly sorrow that brought me to my knees. But in those bleak moments I was never alone. My heart pleaded with the Lord and my soul yearned for His love. I felt the power of the Atonement overtake my burdens. The yoke of the Lord replaced the heavy and arduous weight of my sin and trials (Matt 11:28-30).

I was reminded that the Shepherd knows His sheep and knows them all by name (3 Nephi 18:31). He “knoweth the weaknesses of man and how to succor them who are tempted” (D&C 62:1). For so long I had felt the empty loneliness that disobedience had inflicted upon me, often thinking to myself: “No one knows what I am going through. No one can understand.” I had been very wrong. The Lord knows my ills and is aware of all that I may suffer. Same-sex attraction is a complex hardship that He fully understands. In order to bravely face it, we too, must seek to grasp its far reaching repercussions.

Same-Gender Attraction

Like many other temptations of a sexual nature, same-sex attraction beats at the very core of human instinct. Yet, unlike pornography, incest or adultery the answers, as to its source and its remedy remain unclear. Thus it eats at the identity of an individual who seeks to find answers where few, if any, are clearly given. I do not hail from a medical background nor do I claim to profess an understanding of the psychological and or possible genetic origins of homosexuality. I have found that, in short there still remains no concrete answer in the medical world as to the origins of homosexuality.

The dictionary defines homosexuality as being of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward another of the same sex. A. Dean Byrd and Stony Olsen, in their article, “Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable?”, made the following clarification: “It should also be noted that [there are differences] between: 1) homosexual men who have homosexual attraction and may or may not engage in homosexual behavior and 2) gays who assume a social and political identity and tend to be political activists. They are two separate groups.” They went on further to explain that “Homosexual behavior refers to overt sexual activities between two partners of the same sex. Homosexual orientation refers to overall sexual responsiveness of someone to members of his or her same sex. Homosexual identity refers to the labeling of oneself as gay or lesbian.”

It is said that there are many degrees of homosexual attraction. One could also refer to, what is commonly known as the Kinsey Scale, a scale of sexual identification that “rates” a person on his or her sexual attraction. Many may also remark that sentiments vary from one person to the next and that none are completely the same. Kinsey’s Scale exemplifies this variance: zero being exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual tendencies, three being equally heterosexual and homosexual, and six being exclusively homosexual. If there is a possibility of varying degrees of sexuality this leads one to wonder: Is homosexuality genetic or inherited? Is it a learned or an adopted behavior that is a result of life-shaping experiences? Or is it a combination of the two? Science has found little to provide substantive responses to any of these questions.

There have been numerous reports that have claimed to confirm the genetic inheritance or susceptibility of homosexuality and yet a near equal number supposedly refute that idea with similar research. Studies have taken all angles to prove or to disprove the genetic connection. I mention only a few. Dean Hamer’s linkage study (linking genetic traits prevalent in a family line) claimed that “out of 40 pairs of homosexual brothers, 33 (83%) received the same sequence of markers within the studied region of the X chromosome.” These results lead to Hamer’s hypothesis stating that the genetic marker q28 on the X chromosome was partially responsible for homosexuality. Another study conducted by Samuel LeVay published in 1991 claimed that the neuron cluster known as INAH3 located in the hypothalamus of the male homosexual was smaller than that of the male heterosexual thus inferring that homosexual men are neurologically different than heterosexual men. The results of both of these studies have been seriously disputed. Attempts to recreate similar results failed but it was admitted that there was possible discrepancies in the variables.

Many researchers still feel that solely tracing a genetic cause of homosexuality is a fruitless effort. Dr. Edward Stein stated that “genes in themselves cannot directly specify any behavior or physiological phenomenon. Instead, genes direct a particular pattern of RNA synthesis, which in turn may influence the development of psychological dispositions and the expression of behaviors.” Dr. Ruth Hubbard, Professor emeritus of Biology at Harvard University confirms the opinion that “sexual attraction depends on personal experience and cultural values and that desire is far too complex, varied and interesting to be reduced to genes.”

Elder Dallin H. Oaks cited Drs. Byrne and Parsons of Columbia University’s Department of Psychiatry as reporting: “Conspicuously absent from most theorizing on the origins of sexual orientation is an active role of the individual in constructing his or her identity. … We propose an interactional model in which genes or hormones do not specify sexual orientation per se, but instead bias particular personality traits and thereby influence the manner in which an individual and his or her environment interact as sexual orientation and other personality characteristics unfold developmentally.”

There is little consensus among scientists and researchers on this topic. The origins of homosexuality still remain theory. Therefore, we can in nowise accredit homosexuality to, nor discredit the possibility of a vague or even a determinate genetic link. There is no answer. We do know however that its effects and repercussions on the individual are far reaching and our religious conviction incites us to action; to teach, to reach out, and to show love.

Free to choose

Each day we make two kinds of choices: those that have very little effect on our eternal destiny and those that will affect our lives and the lives of others from that day forward, even eternally. We are free to choose as we will (2 Nephi 2: 27-29). The Lord, in His infinite wisdom has permitted us this luxury of choice. Without it His plan of happiness would be set at naught. Only recently have I come to begin to understand the reality of this mortal blessing and eternal law.

Standing at the fork in the road of my eternal destiny I realized that I had to make a very conscious and pro-active choice. I could choose the promise of the comforting presence of the Holy Ghost and celestial glory with an eternal family. Such a choice would be accompanied with daily bombardments from the adversary and a lifetime relying “wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save” (2 Nephi 31:19). My other choice consisted of a few moments of pleasure and a façade of happiness. Such a choice would be coupled with a lifetime of loneliness and rejected truths turning me bitter. Could I turn my back on the testimony that I had gained so many years ago? Could I deny the healing balm of the Savior’s love that I had surely felt in my life? Could I deny my family, my faith, all that I cherish to follow an unsure path to happiness?

As I reflected upon Joshua’s imploring “Choose you this day whom ye shall serve” (Joshua 24:15 see also Alma 30:13, 14). It became ever more apparent that I would not be able to rationalize or reason any choice contrary to the truths that I had learned so long ago. I knew that I could not remain in this indecisive place forever toying with my two possibilities (3 Nephi 13:24 and Matthew 6:24).

A good friend once related the following to me. He said that his sexuality was as much a part of him as his right arm. He continued saying that his faith and testimony were also as important as his other arm. He asked me, “How can I be expected to choose?” That sent me into a whirlwind of confusion and questioning but the answer still came out the same.

The words of a hymn came to my mind, “Jesus the very thought of thee, with sweetness fills my soul.” Each time I thought of the promise of the Gospel I felt a reassurance and the quiet murmur from the Spirit. I knew the answer to my choice. I had felt the power of the atonement. I knew the Church was true. What greater sign was I awaiting? A homosexual lifestyle could bring me only temporary gratification and satisfaction. A life of struggling and constant effort applied to the gospel would bring me an eternal reward. I knew that I must choose “to repent and work righteousness rather than parish” (Alma 13:10)

A Counsel to Follow

Many leaders in the Church counsel that these temptations should be overcome and harnessed before including another in their damaging effects. Elder Dallin H. Oaks instructed: “The gospel applies on the same basis to everyone. Its central truth is our Savior’s atonement and resurrection, that we might have immortality and eternal life. To achieve that destiny, an eternal marriage is the divine and prescribed goal for every child of God, in this life or in the life to come. Nevertheless, this sacred goal must come about in the Lord’s way.” He went on further to cite President Gordon B. Hinckley, who said: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.”

Though it is difficult, I have learned that I can only turn to the Lord. I cannot seek inappropriate comfort in a homosexual relationship nor can I marry and potentially cause undue suffering in the life of a spouse and children. I have realized that my life should be a life consecrated to doing good, seeking righteousness, overcoming my challenges and helping others. I have accepted that I may live this life without an eternal companion. However, I realize that if I am obedient and faithful the Lord will see to my needs. He will provide the path that will allow me to enter into His kingdom. I have hope and faith that the promises of my father in Heaven will be fulfilled in His time.

Finding Peace Through Sacrifice

The Savior, when speaking to the Nephites before his apparition among them taught, “Ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (3 Nephi 9:20 see also verse 19). His request is simple, His intention divine. He dares not turn his back on those for whom He has suffered the ultimate price. His is a perfect love. In that same chapter He pleads with us, “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?” (3 Nephi 9:13, emphasis added). I can only imagine the compassion that resounded from His voice. He called to His brethren with a new and greater understanding of their inflictions. That call is still echoed today.

It is taught in the missionary discussions that as we seek to know the Christ we long to become like Him. And in so doing, we feel the awful weight of our transgressions and imperfections and in turn seek reconciliation. We are not asked to bear this weight alone. It is clear from the passage above that our elder Brother invites all His kindred to partake of His eternal and everlasting sacrifice. His promise is to bring us healing and relief, to take from us that great yoke of sin and failing. He promises, “I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). He asks only a comparatively miniscule effort on our part. Turn to Him, follow his commandments and endure to the end.

One Sunday while teaching a Gospel Principles class I felt fortunate to have heard the whisper of the Holy Ghost as he brought to my mind a very important scripture. “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 10:39). I was urged to apply this principle to the lesson at hand, on sacrifice. I became emotional as I realized why this scripture was so important. The Lord was not asking us to die for His mighty cause but asking us to abandon our unrighteous will and mortal appetites that we might follow Him. In so doing we would be blessed and would truly find the meaning of life.

A little over a year ago I watched the film, “A Beautiful Mind.” I was caught up in the story line and found myself leaning forward in my seat. As the film came near to its close a certain line said by the main character, John Nash sent me whirling back into my seat and caused me to greatly reflect on my own life. I’ll paraphrase the scene.

A representative from the Nobel Commission came to visit Professor Nash, in his now rehabilitated state. John Nash suffered from chronic schizophrenia. The man began talking with Professor Nash, somewhat nervously and then attempted to ask a question. Dr. Nash politely cut him off and said, “You want to know if I’m still crazy?” The man shamefully nodded his head in agreement. “Well, let’s go for a walk.” They left the building and he explained his situation. As Professor Nash looked over his shoulder he noticed those characters that had haunted his past and then said, “They are still there. I still see them. But where I am now I realize, much like an individual on a special diet that there are simply some appetites that I can no longer indulge in.”

I sat in that theatre for some time after the film had finished and the lights had been turned back on. I sat there in tears and in reflection.

John Nash’s task was not easy. His burden was not light but he conquered his foe and is known for his great accomplishments. I am certainly no John Nash but I am a man suffering and dealing with great trials. Just like Nash’s hallucinations my temptations “are still there. I can still see them.” In order to surmount and stand tall I must realize that “there are certain appetites that I can no longer indulge in.” I must choose to put them aside to see before me the greater more important aim. I must “lose my life;” my physical desires, my unhealthy and unrighteous appetites in order to gain the pardon and comfort that comes only from our Father in Heaven through His son, Jesus Christ.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin has reminded us of the Savior’s call to follow Him (Matthew 4: 18-22). He taught us that we must be willing to “leave the entangling, worldly nets behind and follow [the Savior’s] footsteps.” Our task is not easy but our reward is great. When we are willing to leave behind the entrapments that keep us from following eternal aims and choose instead to follow the Lord we will gain everlasting life.

I hope one day to echo these words of Elder Wirthlin: “The Lord was merciful and helped me to find the energy…to do all that I had committed to do. Although it was difficult, I have never regretted making the choice to heed the Savior’s call…”

Fighting the Dragon

A legend is told of a great soldier named St. George. This great soldier was born in the Holy Land around 270 AD to a wealthy Christian family. He fought on behalf of the early Christians and rose up against the injustices of the Roman Empire. During his campaign he came across a young princess that was to be devoured by a mighty dragon. The village had been offering the dragon goats to calm him, but the dragon was growing more and more threatening. Finally the princess had presented herself up in sacrifice in order to appease the dragon’s appetite and save the kingdom. St George proposes to the King to slay the dragon if the kingdom will convert to Christianity. St. George killed the treacherous beast and saved the fair princess and the village from certain ruin.

It sounds like a crusader’s story fit for a movie. But a great lesson can be pulled from this short fairytale. The dragon can represent the instincts and desires of mortality (unhealthy homosexual desires), the young princess is the human soul and its salvation; the king represents our motivation in the offering (sacrifice and obedience). Often in life we try to appease the beast (our temptation) and slowly we abandon our innocence (our soul) to its grasp. Lastly, St. George is representative of the Christ who will eliminate from our lives such imposing threats if we, like the king will offer up our faith and true conversion.

Just as Joan of Arc called the nearly enslaved French to seek their freedom, the Savior and His prophets have called us to “shake off the awful chains by which [we] are bound” (2 Nephi 1:13), and seek out the goodness and bounty of the Lord. Joan demonstrates that by having faith in our convictions we can triumph over any challenge and we know that we are blessed through sacrifice and obedience. The maiden put on a protective armor to withstand the arrows and assaults of her enemies. We should put on the armor of God and with courage take to our spiritual battle grounds. With this armor we can withstand the spiritual foe and resist the temptation to abandon when all seems lost. Joan was given the opportunity to choose. Her choice set her apart as a martyr. Our resolve to stand for good and live righteously will be rewarded an hundred fold. Our battle field is more fierce and our foe is more skilled. Yet our weapons of defense are even more powerful when yielded by the believing.

Through the length of this document I have traced out my own spiritual journey, identifying and accepting my challenge and my responsibility. Now comes the daily, hourly and continual task of facing that dragon and defeating him. It will not be an easy task. There will be mistakes along that road but as my mission president once counseled, “You have to get up brush yourself off, feel the remorse of your actions, seek forgiveness and move on, just move on.”

The Armor of God

The great war in heaven spoken of by the apostle John begins with each sunrise. As we get up to face our day we must prepare ourselves to fight the dragon and his angels (Revelation12:7). The Lord has taught us to “put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11). In learning to resist and in preparing for our battle we cannot forget the essentials. In the twenty-seventh section, fifteenth verse of the Doctrine and Covenants we read:

“Stand, therefore, having your loins girt about with the truth” – we are partakers of the true and everlasting gospel of Jesus Christ, this is His church, He is at its head.

“Having on the breastplate of righteousness” – it is no coincidence that the Lord instructs us to cover the most vital parts with righteousness. Obedience brings us strength and added blessings.

“And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace…” – the gospel has been restored. The powers of the priesthood are available to bless and inspire. The message of truth, the plan of happiness is being trumpeted to all corners of the earth. We can take comfort in knowing that this life is not a bleak and solemn journey. It is a passage of trials and triumph leading to everlasting life with our father in Heaven.

Weapons

Prayer: Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin tells us, “There may not be a commandment uttered more frequently than that we lift up our hearts and our voices in prayer to our Heavenly Father.” Regular communication with the divine is not to be left by the wayside in this battle. It affords us daily spiritual strength and reminds us of the reason for which we are fighting. We cannot down the dragon if we do not first strengthen the soldier.

Scripture Study: In the Doctrine and Covenants we read further of the weapons we have been given: “the sword of my Spirit, which I will pour out upon you, and my word which I will reveal unto you” (D&C 27:18). Great is the comfort that can be found in the words of the prophets. The instructions in this battle are found by carefully seeking the scriptures. The Lord has promised that He will aide us as we seek His word. Our thoughts will be quickened by the Spirit. I have found myself pouring over the scriptures that I might find His instructions. My prayers have been answered in reading the teachings of the Savior and I have come to feel His love and learn of His life.

Fellowship of the Saints: Regular church and temple attendance and service are also important in increasing our spiritual power. Nearly a century ago a truth was taught from the pulpit of the Tabernacle in Salt Lake City: “Unless the Saints attend their meetings it will be hard for them to keep alive in the Gospel.” If we are to win this battle restocking our spiritual energy levels each week is a must.

Circle of support: It is amazing what the counsel and love of supportive and faithful family members, church leaders and friends can do to aid some one in their trials. I have had many experiences with very special people that lead me to believe firmly in the truth that President Spencer W. Kimball taught, “God…watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs” Through honest, open, and faith-inspiring discussions we are able to go to our battle field more prepared and encouraged by those who love us.

Trust in the Lord

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). Learning to rely upon the Lord and improving our relationship with the Savior are parallel principles that enrich our life and the life of others. I do not know why this challenge is my lot but I do know in whom I can place my faith. If I follow the commandments I can overcome and benefit from these trials (2 Nephi 2:2).

Paul promises us: “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). And in another discourse he proclaims “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

Our father in Heaven has made His promises. His truths and His Gospel lay before us. The Lord has given us this challenge: “Prove me now herewith” (Malachi 3:10). He asks only that we trust in Him and He will protect us. “Taking the shield of faith wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked” (D&C 27:17). We are standing in front of a great personal foe. Our father in Heaven has dared us to place our trust and faith in Him. Perhaps I cannot yet see this shield; perhaps I cannot yet feel its weight. But as I have stood tall and have trusted in the Lord I have heard these words in my heart: “He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee” (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Conclusion

President Gordon B. Hinckley, when addressing the priesthood body, asserted: “Victory will be yours. There is not a boy within the sound of my voice that needs to succumb to any of these forces. You hold the priesthood of God. You are a son of God. You have his power within you to sustain you. You have the right to ministering angels about you to protect you. Do not let Goliath frighten you. Stand your ground and hold your place, and you will be triumphant.”

What greater promise could we seek? Victory is in our reach. This struggle will be hard. We hope that our casualties will be few but we will remain true. We will be triumphant. We will stand tall. And who shall succeed?

“They are they who received the testimony of Jesus, and believed on his name and were baptized…that by keeping the commandments they might be washed and cleansed from all their sins, and receive the Holy Spirit… And who overcome by faith…Wherefore, all things are theirs… And they shall overcome all things” (D&C 76:51-53, 59, 60).

My faith remains in the Lord. I will place my confidence in Jesus Christ. I will seek to live my life worthy of His Spirit. I will seek forgiveness when I falter. I will overcome. I hope to repeat the words of the apostle Paul, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7). I pray that I will remain strong and true and faithful to all that I hold dear.







Sources: “Same-Gender Attraction”- Dallin H. Oaks; “When a Loved One Struggles with Same-Sex Attraction” - A. Dean Byrd; “Overpowering the Goliaths in Our Lives”- Gordon B. Hinckley
Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1988, p. 26.
Miriam Webster’s Dictionary, 1999
A. Dean Byrd & Stony Olsen, “Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable?” ; Regent University Law Review 2002 Vol. 14:513, p. 514
Id.
Kinsey, Alfred C. et al. (1948/1998). “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male”, Philadelphia: W.B. Saunders; Bloomington: Indiana U. Press, pp. 636-659.
Id. - Dean H. Hamer et al., “A Linkage Between DNA Markers on the X Chromosome and Male Sexual Orientation”, 1993, 261 SCIENCE 321.
Dean Hamer & Peter Copeland, “The Science Of Desire,” p. 104 ©1994
Simon LeVay, “A Difference in Hypothalamic Structure Between Heterosexual and Homosexual Man,” 258 SCIENCE 1034-1037, ©1991
Edward Stein, “The Mismeasure of Desire: The Science, Theory, and Ethnics of Sexual Orientation” p. 221
Dallin H. Oaks, “Same-Gender Attraction,” Ensign, Oct. 1995, 7
Byne and Parsons, “Human Sexual Orientation,” pp. 236-37.
Clairvaux, Caswell, Dikes, “Jesus the Very Thought of Thee,” Hymn # 141, Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ©1985
Dallin H. Oaks, “Same-Gender Attraction,” Ensign, Oct. 1995, 7 (emphasis added)
Gordon B. Hinckley, “Reverence and Morality,” p. 47.
Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Follow Me”, © 2002 by Intellectual Reserve, Inc. http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-266-5,00.html
Id.
Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Improving Our Prayers”; 21 January 2003 BYU Speeches, http://speeches.byu.edu
Anthon H. Lund, CR, Oct. 1907, p. 9
Spencer W. Kimball, “Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974, p. 5
Gordon B. Hinckley, “Overpowering the Goliaths in Our Lives”, Ensign, May 1983, http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll?f=templates$fn=default.htm

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